How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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