drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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