ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
