ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
