Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
