he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
