my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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