Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
