Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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