Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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