the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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