I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize