well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
