my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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