I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
where are you?
Hypothermia
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Randomize
