you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
