brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
