So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
