You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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