He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize