You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
