And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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