I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
