after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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