my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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