even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
