I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
