Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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