I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
