He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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