just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
zippers are such a cool invention
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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