i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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