i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
