I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
