Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
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