she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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