Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You pole danced in your parka.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
