Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
