i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I party with great urgency now.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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