I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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