Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
