PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize