I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
