Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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