Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
