Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
