I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
