I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just pee around me
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
