he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
