This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
