just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
