At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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