i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
