I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
