On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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