Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
