I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
