You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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