i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
There's a naked man in my car right now.
They have beer where we have blood.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize