so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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