Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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