I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
