I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
try to milk me bitch
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