You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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