How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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