im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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