dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
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